Soul murder

Notes for a an approach to a storyline about the swirl:

1 Progression - life is jogging along, then one day or more likely one night an uneasy feeling creeps into awareness, like a mild anxiety with perhaps some irritability or restlessness.  Undirected movement may follow," I can't sit or lie still because something inside me is agitating my body and my mind, like a washing machine is churning in my gut."

2  Actions. Reaching for analgesics or valium or zoloft or a sleeping pill. Or some distraction - TV, DVD, video game, ipod, email. Maybe a spouse or a friend for some comfort, or anything which might allay the agitation and rising panic and offer  possible escape or relief.

3 Alternative. Staying with the anxiety and agitation, being able to be curious about what is happening, being aware it's happened before, and is not life threatening, observing the shape and form of it, the 'coordinates', doing deep and measured breathing, trying to slow the pulse, meditation (if it's possible), maybe slow walking, slow sipping water.

4 Onset of swirl.  Aware of feeling isolated, because it's an unshared experience, something abnormal, that marks one off as not normal, and when it gets worse, " I had to call the doctor ", " I thought I'd have to get to a hospital.", " I had wild thoughts that I was dying. " ,  " My body can't cope with this mind chaos, these brain fireworks." , " It's like being in a closed space, claustrophobic, how do I get out when I feel swept up in a swirling  vortex, a maelstrom, a grand opera of the soul, with catastrophe imminent? " 

" Someone inside is intent on soul murder; who is it? Can I talk to him? Will he answer? Is there anyone there?  No, it's just me and my fear, we're bad company. But what is the fear? It's not rational, I can't explain it  but it's all mine, it gets going inside me.  Is my chemistry out of balance? Are they 'bad thoughts because I feel guilty, ashamed, remorse, regret?  It's funneling, whirling, gaining momentum and force, like a tornado, a circular swirl with an empty centre.  Is that centre lifeless,

something annihilated? Is that the fear, the panic, the high anxiety? "

5 Ways out.  Perhaps writing a description will calm the anxiety.  Stern says feelings are emotions with words attached. Putting words on paper may reveal the emotions behind the feelings.   In a panic we forget what it's like to be free of anxiety, like we forget wellness when in illness. But by not drugging or distracting this swirl experience one can encounter strong and real emotion while in an existential mood state, a sense of the fragility along with the energy in the swirl.

The forces of eros and thanatos have joined in battle and the war zone is the inside of one's head. Fit to burst perhaps, but still alive.

My sense is that immersion in the swirl takes place suddenly, it just happens. This hides the strange comfort to be gained in the swirl.

Ken Hey